i'd like some censorship

Chinese toddlers wear split pants. (See picture for example).

The split pant ensures that no obstacles hinder successful #1s or #2s, rendering the wearer free to do his or her business whenever, wherever, at the drop of a hat--or, in this scenario, at the sound of a whistle. For, the whistle is the preferred method of potty-training ‘round these parts.

Most foreigners gawk at the concept upon first introduction. We pity the shame that must come with one’s backside being less-than-mysterious to every ogling passerby. I imagine that the split-pant experience is like venturing commando, 24/7 into the outside world sporting a hospital gown. Sure, it’s a breezy alternative for the summer time, but I shudder to think of the chill come December.

Yet, I would like to point out several advantages:

1.) Neutralizing the potty-training battleground:

Instead of the many misses and inevitable kid vs. parent stalemates around those little training-potties, split pants make potty-training utterly straight forward. Step 1: squat, Step 2: well, you get the picture…

2.) Obliterating performance anxiety:

Split Pants make potty-time public. Where American children need books to reassure them that indeed, “everybody poops,” Chinese babes are quite aware of this truth. After all, they see their friends do it all the time.

3.) Going green:

Not only do split pants make diapers obsolete, saving space in landfills everywhere, they create natural, free fertilizer for trees all around. I would like to extend a personal “thank you” to all of the children of Beijing for the part you play in keeping our city beautiful.

4.) Growing the Pooper-Scooper market:

How much more practical is the decision to cough up that extra 20 kuai when your scooper will be scooping up after multiple species? Granted, considering that scooping up your loved ones's business is not yet a common cultural practice here on the Mainland, this increase in marketability may not yet be relevant. But think of the possibilities.

Granted, when I was walking to the bus the other day and saw a youngster bearing his boyhood to the entire world, these advantages did not immediately come to mind. Other thoughts, “Seriously?” “Is this real life?” “Thank you, that image will now be burned in my mind for all of eternity” came first, I am ashamed to say. But yet, on further review, I believe that the Chinese are on to something. Perhaps, one day, you will spot me on the streets of America whistling while I dangle a little tot above the sidewalk. And perhaps, the split down his pants will be the first shot heard around the Western World for the cause of raising children diaper-free.

Long live the split-pant.

Freeeeedddooooommmm!!!!