i'd like a sprinkle of horse-hoof

There is a series of a sayings that circulates the expat community here in China. They begin like this: "You know you've been in China too long when..." For example: "You know you've been in China too long when the foot prints on the toilet seat are you own."

I am not sure when one has lived in China long enough to be dubbed worthy of adding to this collection of sayings. Perhaps the mark of "long-enough" is somewhere in that delicate window of time between "ceasing to notice the footprints" and "creating the footprints oneself." Nevertheless, worthy or unworthy, I would like to add my own "you know you've been" to the pot.

Last month I set off with a number of Ouachitonians into what can only be dubbed "real China." The city which was to be our home for three and a half weeks of cultural exchange could affectionately be compared the American boonies. Perhaps, you might argue, that a city of 1 million people is a lot closer to "metropolis" status than "Southern sticks." I mean, it IS rivaling the population of Arkansas for crying out loud. Yet, in comparison to my only point of Chinese reference--Beijing (this land that I call my home and in which I frequent the local Starbucks)--the term "boonies" is appropriate.


During our cultural exchange, our team was given a strict breakfast budget of 5 kuai (roughly 80 cents USD). Hoping for some semblance of normal as well as some good microbial flora to counteract my daily dose of Chinese street food, I opted for blueberry yogurt. 4.90 kuai of good-bacteria goodness. Hello, breakfast of champions! Wheaties ain't got nothing on this stuff. However, I was soon surprised to find that something strange was afoot inside that green-plastic-container-with-personal-spoon. Floating amid a smattering of real fruit swam mysterious pink squares. And not only were said squares NOT of the blueberry-blue hue that was to be anticipated in blueberry yoghurt, these squares were...GELATINOUS. Hold the phone, ladies and gentlemen. Not only do I NOT feel comfortable putting UEOs (unidentified edible objects) in between my mandibles, but I especially do not want UEO's seasoned with horse hoof. Like, Jel-LO! Heck no, techno! Not unless Bill Cosby or my grandma is endorsing it, thank you very much.

Yet the yoghurt was otherwise delicious. So, I decided to cope by avoiding the mysterious squares like I avoided the quasi-vegetables in my Campbell's chicken noodle soup as a child.

However, after several days of 4.90 kuai blueberry yogurt consumption, I began to notice an odd transformation in my morning culinary habits. Not only had I stopped avoiding the mysterious, gelatinous, not-blueberry pink squares, but I had begun to--gasp--SEEK THEM OUT! And one morning, after an unfortunate grocery store sale rendered the dairy section sold-out of my yogurt of choice, I was dismayed to find that the strawberry yogurt I was forced to settle for was completely gelatinous-square free.

What. A. Let-Down.

And to think that the strawberry yogurt had the gumption to call itself "Chinese yogurt!" Psh! Tasted like Yoplait to me. Bor-ing!

All that to say, I think it is time, if I may be so bold to suggest, that a new saying be added to the "You know you've been in China too long" canon.

I give you:
"You know you've been in China too long, when yogurt fruit is but an inconvenient obstacle in your spoon's path to yogurt gelatin."